RNC Memories

Hey Ryan,

I really liked your account of McCain's RNC Speech this past week. But, I've got to say...

(Wistful, dreamy harp music you often hear on Gilligan's Island)

...gosh, what a vision the man was. I thought he'd be wobbly as a three-legged chair, trying to steady himself at the podium, while thousands of Republicans welcomed him as their nominee. After eight years of regret over being the bridesmaid in 2000, here McCain found himself ready to accept the mission to (officially) be the GOP's racehorse. What a feeling, huh?

Anyway, as I sat there watching this elder statesman take the stand for himself, I realized that I was wrong. He was as steady as a rock...or, maybe stiff as a board...yeah, that's probably a little more accurate. In front of a crowd whose applause sounded about as excited as golf tournament fans with food poisoning, John McCain delivered an acceptance speech with all of the grace of five penguins trying to kick a soccer ball.

Of course, as the Repubs are fond of pointing out, rousing speeches won't change the world. Sure, this tidbit of election 2008 wisdom is usually coupled with some sort of Bush-esque idol worship of Sarah Palin's RNC speech and her rock star appeal, but, hey, the GOP'ers aren't exactly well-versed in irony (or tact, for that matter).

Nevertheless, I agree with them. Good speeches, alone, don't do anything. But, poor Johnny McCain didn't even give a good speech. It was more like watching Max Headroom make his return to prime time. Between his robotic movements, his awkward phrases, and the green screen-ish backdrop, I thought McCain was either going to try and sell me a Coke or launch into an audition for Golem's slow brother in The Hobbit movie.

But let's face it, he was only responsible for TWO of those three things. The green background wasn't his fault. I mean, I thought the organizers did right by Sarah Palin in leaving the background dark during her speech. Didn't they leave it dark for her? I can't remember...I was so mesmerized by her...I...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, right, so you know, they made Joe Lieberman look like he was in an Aqua Velva commercial with that refreshing blue background for his snooze-fest speech, but I thought, surely, they would get it right for The Big Dog! But NOOOO! For part of that speech, he was, for all intents and purposes playing against a green screen.

Of course, the picture wasn't all green. Actually, it was a picture of Walter Reed...Middle School. That's right! They were trying to throw up a shot of Walter Reed Medical Center...you know, the military medical facility best known for its appalling living conditions? So, while I suppose the GOP geniuses were trying to make a Rovian link to McCain's POW stay at the Hanoi Hilton, they actually ended up making me wonder what McCain's citizenship marks might have looked like in eighth grade. Did he play well with others? Or, did he sharpen his temper and his political elbows running for hall monitor?

You know what best part is, though? They didn't even ask for permission from the middle school to use the picture. Classic! The Bush Doctrine on Foreign Policy comes home!

This new doctrine for unilateral usage of copyrighted material for (perceived) political gain also extends to the soundtrack for McCain's ass-kicking Forgetfulness Express 2008 campaign. Maybe the Wilson sisters can get Jackson Browne's lawyer to help out with this one.

There's so much to think back fondly on, and I'm sure I'll write to you more about it in the coming days. But, for now, let me leave you with my favorite image from McCain's speech...one that was broadcast on CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN, and PBS:



Now THAT'S a message you can walk away with.

Charles